The experiences and exploits of a college grad trying to make it in the "real world:" leaving school and friends in New England, moving south, and living with her boyfriend. Watch as I pretend to be an adult.
JaylovesKitti is a blog I used to read with some regularity. Actually, I plugged them in a post a couple months back, saying something about it being interesting to read about the inner workings of a marriage. Well, lately I've been reading them less and less frequently, mainly because Kitti's attitude towards her relationship tends to annoy me. Kitti basically says that she married Jay not because she was in love with him, but because she was "tired" of dating and felt it was time to settle down. Jay was a nice guy, they had a lot of similar interests, and, well, why not? What else was she supposed to do? Gee, I don't know. Wait until she found someone she was in love with to marry? But this isn't a rant about Kitti. It's a rant about marriage in general, and our country's attitude towards it. Let me start off by saying, yes I am young. I am naive in many ways, I'm sure. I have never been married or anything close to it. But my god, people. Can we please just accept some basic facts? Our society has an unusual view on marriage. Not only is it a legal and social contract, it is viewed by many as a spiritual or religious one as well. The result is that as soon as the ink is dry on that marriage certificate, each spouse is expected to take on a tremendous amount of responsibility for the other. Legally, each is now responsible for the other's debts and (theoretically) party to the other's assets as well. Taxes, credit cards, mortgages, and property are now jointly filed and held. Socially, for some reason, people seem to see the partners in a marriage as a single unit instead of the seperate entities they used to be. "Bob" and "Jen" become "BobnJen." Invitations to one are automatically assumed to include the other. Not only are assests, property, and debt jointly held, it seems friends are too. Spouses are supposed to be each others' "best friends" in addition to keeping house, raising children, and having sex. Spiritually, for some I guess, marriage means receiving aknowledgement from- god? the church? People talk about soulmates and spiritual connections- well, I guess I don't need to get into my skepticism on this bit here. Ok, so let's recap. The day you take the plunge, you're suddenly supposed to give up a substantial portion of your own autonomy- legal, financial, social, and spiritual. You're expected to entwine nearly every aspect of your life with a single other person, and, well, be happy about it. And marriage is supposed to be easier than dating? Er...how's that again? Before I go any further, I should probably say that I'm not against marriage. I think there are a number of very positive aspects to marriage, and approached the right way it can be one of the most rewarding experiences in a person's life. Married people live longer- especially married men. They report a higher overall level of satisfaction with their lives. They are generally healthier, and less likely to suffer from chronic "stress-induced" illnesses like hypertension, ulcers, and the life. I have every intention of getting married someday... ...to the right person at the right time. This, I think, is one of the major problems with our society's view on marriage. People get married for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time, and with unrealistic expectations. People are waiting longer and longer to get married...am I the only one who thinks this is a very, very good idea? It just seems like a smart idea to have your own life figured out before you try to merge it with someone else's. There's also some logic to the whole older/wiser heads argument. I am equally amazed by two types of people: the ones who think that the initial rush of puppy love they feel in the first months of dating will last forever, and the ones who forgo that rush entirely because of- what? Fear of being alone? Weariness with the dating game? I don't know. While as much as I would like to think that I will be as in love with the man I marry 20 years in as I was on our wedding day...realistically I think you have to assume that one day the puppy love fades changes into something calmer and more along the lines of affection, friendship, and companionship. There's nothing wrong with that. But at the same time, how can you get married to someone you've never felt butterflies for? There's a great quote from Sex and The City: "But what about that za-za-zou? Even if it fades in time, you can always look back and have the memory of the za-za-zou." It's such a wonderful part of dating...why would you give it up? And last, but not least- well, I have a hard time identifying with Kitti's reasons for writing what she did in that post. I know not everyone will agree with me, but I don't understand why you would tell someone you love, "Honey, I'm not in love with you, and I don't think I ever was...but you're a pretty good guy, and I care about you a lot- and we have some good memories, so I guess I'll stick it out." It seems rather pointless, and a little hardhearted. I'm not quite sure where I was going with this, but I hope you all enjoyed it.
After 22 posted at 2:29 PM
